MARRIAGE - The Older Couple
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

 

THE "ANSWER BACK" CHURCH - Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies. One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!" Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts. The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!" The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

 

VEGETATIVE STATE - A man was sitting in the living room in his recliner. He and his wife had just finished watching a news report about people who live a long time in a coma. As the report ended, he turned to his wife and said: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So, his wife got up and unplugged the television!!

 

ARE YOU STUPID? - A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

WHO SAYS TODAY'S KIDS AREN'T SMART ? (Some of them are!) - I wish I'd thought of this... At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

 

Pregnant Lady - The Cure
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. Upon hearing the news the woman burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room. The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?" 

 

The Elevator - An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver Walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very unattractive older woman moved up to the moving Walls and pressed a button. The Walls opened, and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The Walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the Walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the Walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

God's Existence - Marine and Atheist
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform, I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and decked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you?" "Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot, so He sent me."

 

Finances - Two men on desert island - There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. The first man once again proclaimed, "Don't you understand? We're going to die!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000.00 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000.00 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000.00 a week. My pastor will find me! 

 

Robber - Acts 2:38 - An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name Of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven). The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Soon the police arrived at the house. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the  burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

The Bath Tub Test - During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

Getting into Heaven - (Thank you to Steve B. for sending this one in) - A man dies and  St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "Thats certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!!" The man gulps. "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!?!!  "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points!" Says St Peter. "Come on in!"

 

The Job! - A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner listened to the following conversation. The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."   "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The druggist, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude, I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job." The little boy replied,  "No thanks. I was just checking on the job I already have!" 

 

The Haircut - A young boy had just gotten his Driver's Permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

Worms - A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead . Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Good Deeds - A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"  St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, "Now, back off .  Or I'll pound you to a pulp!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

 

Baptism - After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him ....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes." 

 

Tomato Garden - An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to planet a tomato garden, but it was difficult work, and his only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man described the predicament in a letter to his son.
"Dear Vincent, I'm feeling bad. It looks like I won't be able to put in my tomatoes this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. I wish you were here to dig it for me." Love dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear dad, so I am not there to help, but whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES."
Love, Vincent
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear dad, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances."
Love, Vinny. 

 

Creation or Evolution  - God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what You did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me ..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and form it into the likeness of You, and breath life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting ... show Me, " says God.
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no ..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."  

 

The Most Famous Man - (Before reading this joke, you need to know that someone from Jews for Jesus thought it was very funny. They did not take offense)  - A school teacher was talking to her class one day and offered $5 to the person who could rightly name the most famous person who ever lived. One little boy shot his hand up and the teacher called on him. He then said, "I think the most famous person who ever lived was George Washington." The teacher replied, "Billy, that is a good guess, but it is incorrect. George Washington was very famous but he is mostly known only in our country." The teacher then called on Sally. Sally said, "I think the most famous person who ever lived was Mother Teresa." The teacher thanked Sally for her answer but again said, "Even though Mother Teresa was very famous, she was not the most famous person." Little Irving's hand then shot up and the teacher called on him. Irving then said, "Without a doubt, the most famous person in the world was Jesus Christ." The teacher commended Irving by saying, "You're right, Irving. Jesus Christ was the most famous person. But Irving, let my ask you, why would you, a Jewish boy, say that Jesus was the most famous person when your people reject Him." Without hesitating, Irving said, "Well teacher, business is business."  

 

Two Jewish Mothers - Two young Jewish mothers were sitting in the park together.  As they began to talk, the first said, "Oi," in a very concerned tone. The second then replied, "Oi," in an equally concerned tone. The first then replied, "I thought we said we weren't going to talk about our children anymore. 

 

Shoplifting - An elderly woman was caught shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She relplied, "A can of peaches." He then asked, "Why did you steal it?" She retorted, "Because I was hungry." He proceeded, "How many peaches did you eat?" "Six," came her reply. After the judge thought it over for a minute he told the woman, "I am sentencing you to six days in jail. One for each peach." At this point her husband asked if he could make a statement. The judge agreed. The man then said, "Your honor, you need to know that my wife also stole a can of peas and ate the whole thing."

 

Rescued - A Baptist was on a cruise ship when he accidentally fell overboard and floated for days on a log before landing on a desserted island where he remained alone for 20 years. When he was finally rescued, one of the crew asked the man, "What are the three buildings on the desserted island?" The man replied, "One building is the house where I lived alone for 20 years. One building is the church where I attend. The third building is the church I used to attend."

 

Giving - The pastor of a church made the following statement before the offering was taken one Sunday morning, "Remember, the Lord loves a cheerful giver. And He likes the rest of you as well..."

 

Waking Up for Church - One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked. 

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, ...and (2) you're the pastor!"

 

The Picnic - A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.  You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" 

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

 

The Usher - An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.  

 

Show and Tell - A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.   Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said,  "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

 

The Best Way To Pray - A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.   "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

 

The Twenty and the One - A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country: "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "Where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

 

Goat for Dinner - The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom just this morning, . . .'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

 

Teaching Children to Work - In an attempt to teach their children the importance of work, one father and mother told their young teenage son that he needed to do a better job cleaning up his room. In frustration, his mom finally said, "Billy, if I have to come into your room and pick up your clothes I am going to charge you 50 cents per visit." At the end of the first week, Billy's mom sent him an envelope with a bill for $2.00. Billy promptly sent the envelope back and enclosed $2.50 cents with a note saying, "Hi Mom, here's the $2.00 with a 50 cent tip. You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work!" 

Three Million or Three Kids - One day two men were talking and one said to the other, "I understand you have three children." "Yes," replied the other man, "I do have three children." The first man then asked, "Are you happy about that? Wouldn't you rather have three million dollars?" "No." replied the second man, I would rather have the three kids. "Why?" asked the first man. The second man thought for a moment and said, "I would rather have three children, because if I had three million dollars I would still want more, but with three kids, I am totally satisfied."

 

Atheist Holiday - In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the prepartaion for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination against atheists in regard to holidays. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless, and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who, after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Chrsitians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances, and the Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Sure they have a holiday. It comes each year on exactly the same day - April 1st."  

 

Don't Steal My Car - An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get our of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran for their lives. The lady, somehwat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken she couldn't get the key into the ignition. She tried and tr4ie, and then it dawned on her - it wasn't her car. After finding her car four or five spaces farther down, she loaded her bags in the correct car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four men were reporting a car-jacking by a crazed, elderly woman with a gun...

 

Marriage Bliss - A marriage counselor had been meeting with a couple for several weeks but things hadn't been going well. Finally, in one of the verbal exchanges the wife called her husband "Hon". The counselor astutely picked up on her word and said to the woman, "There is certainly still hope for this relationship because I heard you call your husband 'Hon'." The woman glared at the counselor and said, "When I said, 'Hon', I meant Atilla the Hun."

 

The Secret to Longevity - A man who was 97 years old was interviewed by a reporter who asked him what his secret was to long life. The elderly man said, "Well, I take good care of my body, eat right, and exercise, but I think the number one thing that has helped me live so long is that I never argue." The reporter replied, "You mean to say you've never argued even once in your life."  The elderly gentlemen said, "No, I never have." The reporter became a little aggressive and pressed the older man by saying, "I find that hard to believe that you have never argued even once. Everyone argues once in awhile."  Sensing an arguement about to start, the old man replied to the reporter, "Well, maybe you're right."

 

Praying at Mealtime - Two young boys were talking one day about what they did at meal time. One boy said, "At my house we always pray before meals. Sometimes my dad prays, sometimes I pray, and sometimes my mom prays. It's pretty special." The other boy then replied, "We never pray before meals at my house." The first boy then asked his friend why his family never prayed before meals? The second boy responded, "We don't need to pray. My Mom is a good cook."

Paying at Church - A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.  When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

 

How Many Women? - A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.  "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

Call to Ministry - After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

 

Motivated to Give - A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 

A Christian Home - After the dedication ceremony of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, "That minister said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

Helping Kids be Quiet in Church - Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

 

Did God Make You? - A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She wa